blorlak down! blorlak down!

once again, i flew too close to the sun. i threw my back out. err, my neck (?) but it's now extended down my spine. this happened last year, and it ended up being west nile (LOL!!) now i know you must have questions..i'll do my best...



Q: WTF?! you had west nile? why didn't *i* know about it?


A: good question, rummy. only 4 or 5 people knew about it. plus, how do you work the 'nile' into ordinary conversation? "hey jill, can you pass the ketch..." "YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD, I HAVE WEST NILE, Y'KNOW!!!"


Q: hmm...i'm skeptical. you seemed fine all summer, you never broke your drinking stride as far as i saw....?


A: Correct you are! i "push through"...i am seriously under the impression that drinking has cured what ails me faster than succumbing and staying home...(it probs causes it too. LOLZ)


Q: Hey, wait a minute...isn't west nile touted by Health Canada as a killer? what makes you so herculean?


A: Health Canada (and the WHO, as far as i'm concerned) are fear mongerers who are trying to scare people into hiding indoors and slathering themselves with antibacterial lotion all day. The people who get sick from these things are either really old/young, or have pre-existing health problems. i.e. SAAAAAAAARS. i got mildly ill and a sore back. the effing spinal tap was the worst thing...


Q: ok that eplains a lot....hey wait...is west nile contagious?????


A: um....uh...


Q: but you hung out with all of us, and took drinks from our beerz! OMFG...


A: This interview is over. no further questions.

vive le quebec libre!!

so i was in montreal this weekend. i was supposed to go to this party on saturday night, but the dude who was throwing it was bleeding from his mouth. for, like, two hours. so he went to emergency, cuz after awhile, he couldn't stand up on his own. so my buzz is totally gone at this point (wouldn't yours be?) so me and my cousin go to a terrace in old montreal. after two hours of drinking, and failing to roofie any 17 yr old french boys, we decide to call it a (weird) night.

we ask the waiter how to get out, since they've blocked off the door we came in. he points to three doors. for some reason, we use...the fourth door he didn't point to....

....fast forward to me and the cuz ending up at a hard-core seperatist party. a quebec-nationalist band was playing fast and furiously in front of the largest fleur-de-lis flag i've seen. the crowd was wild. it was a private party, the bouncer wasn't letting anyone from the street in. there was no windows. me and cuz look at eachother and at the same time, realize THIS IS *AWESOME*. determined to fit in, we order drinks in (bad) french, and start dancing along to the music.

we get even drunker.

the cuz goes to the bathroom. i am left alone to ponder my sovereignty. when the singer dude says in english...'word on the street is that we have someone from toronto here tonight....' people looked at me, and said some french slang that i didn't understand. and then the band broke into song again, and it was a song about how much dick toronto sucks.

the cuz comes out of the bathroom and your gentle narrator suggests its time to book it the hell out of there.

man, being a seperatist must be cool...it looks like it's the new trendy thing in quebec. i'd be all over that shit...except for the absolute and total exclusion of anyone who's not white and priveleged.

you're a fruit salad head

LOL LOL LOL

Alec Baldwin called his stylist a 'whack-job' and a 'fruit salad head' on the set of 'A Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing.'

in other news, I WILL HENCEFORTH BE USING 'FRUIT SALAD HEAD' TO DESCRIBE ALMOST EVERYONE BECAUSE IT IS POSSIBLY THE BEST INSULT I'VE EVER HEARD.

best saturday ever.

you remember when you were a kid, and you slept in til 11 on saturday mornings, got up and microwaved a pound of bacon, and layered it on top of your count chocula, then watched five hours straight of saturday morning cartoons? followed by a vigorous nintendo (or atari?) session...

i remember it. i also remember thinking 'oh man, when i move out on my own, I'M TOTALLY DOING THIS ALL THE TIME!!'

until last saturday, i hadn't kept the dream alive. i ignored and supressed my inner child, who so desperately wanted to show her grease-stained face the light of day.

i woke up saturday morning, sick, and so blessedly happy to see it raining like a son'bitch. i went out and bought a big bag of doritos, sat in my underwear and played nintendo for seven hours straight. even when i got chip crumbs on me, i didn't brush them off. that's what i got a cat for, yo.