Monday, May 07, 2007

ahahah losers

for some reason, people have been clicking on this, even though i haven't updated it in three months. blogging seems secondary when you want to stick your head in an oven, but there's TOO MUCH GOOD STUFF RIGHT NOW!!

i have oh so much to say about that rat-face asshat, paris hilton, GOING TO THE CLINK Y'ALL! that judge is seriously one hot ho. a real american hero that one. seriously, this is more heroic than saving thirty-seven orphans from a burning orphanage.

but first, real-life, buffoonery overheard in the city this weekend on saturday. i was having lunch on saturday on a patio, and was witness to what can on
ly be described as 'THE WORST FIRST DATE EVER.' they were sitting next to me, and the girl was insanely pretentious. she at one point described a photograph as "almost post-darwinian..." WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? the poor guy!!! i bet that's the kind of girl that cries during sex...

and, just cuz i always have a picture, here's some randomness...GO SENS!!! DESTROY THE BUFFALO G

ha. get it? see what i did there? shut up.

Friday, February 23, 2007

don't eff with the hef

inside the playboy mansion
cut n' pasted from the above link...i found this riveting...)

Inside the PlayBoy Mansion
Whelp, I read a book about “behind the scenes at the Playboy mansion”, which was written by one of his ex girlfriends, Izabella St. James, who was one of the seven girlfriends. She was there when Holly & Bridget came, and describes how it downsized to three, includes the incentives Hef gives the girls, the duties of the girls and sex with Hef. I wrote a pretty detailed summary behind the cut & separated it into categories, ENJOY!

Incentives of being a Girlfriend
When an event such as the Grammy’s is coming up, Hef will give them $2000 for an outfit, hair and whatever else. Later, the amount went down to $1000 and for some girls, none.
Every Friday morning the girls get $1000 for the week. You have about an hour to get this money, and if you’re out of town or sleep in too late, you won’t get your money for the week & no, you can’t ask for an advance if you know you won’t be at the mansion that day, no excuse – including family emergency. You need to go to Hef’s room between about 8-9 in the morning, and ask for your money. This is usually the time that Hef will tell you what you can do better or change.
For your birthday, girls usually ask for plastic surgery because Hef never hesitates to say yes. Girls usually ask for the thing they want the most first, incase they’re not around for a second birthday. Breasts & nose jobs are the most common thing, then theirs things like liposuction and veneers.
Hef use to buy the girls brand new cars, however that got dramatic. One girlfriend got an Escalade and then drove it down to her other BF’s house in the middle of the night, trying not to get caught, but she did, so Hef stopped buying the girls cars flat out and brand new. Now, he’ll buy them used cars with the agreement that when they leave the mansion, they take over payments for the car & insurance.
Hef is also very generous with animals; he will let the girls buy whatever pets they want and he’ll pay them back for it.
If you want to go out of town, you have to ask for permission and he doesn't always grant it. Family emergencies don't really matter to him either, but if you cry you will most likely get your way.

Duties of a Girlfriend
Sex is not one of them; Hef tells the girls that if they don’t want to have sex or “join in” on the fun, they don’t have too. But he encourages them to be in the bedroom when the sexing is going on.
The girls must attend events with Hef, Movie night, Fun in the Sun Sundays, Parties at the mansion (they can each invite 5 people), Club nights (2-3 a week) & misc. other things. This gives the girls the day to them selves, but their nights are filled by Hef, pretty much.

Behind Being a Girlfriend
The girlfriends have a curfew of 9pm, no exceptions. The girls have to be in, every night, by 9pm. Many of the girlfriends also have boyfriends on the side (Bridget is said to have a husband) that Hef knows about, but doesn’t allow them to see or talk to, it’s not talked about much. Most of the GF's also have apartments somewhere else that they go to during the day. One ex-GF had a daughter that Hef would allow to spend one night at her apt with her daughter a week, but she also had a husband at her apartment.

Sexxx with Hef
Sex is usually on Club nights; the girls and Hef go out to clubs, they scout other girls or invite other girls to go with them. When they leave the club, they’re all pretty drunk. In the limo, the main girlfriend would give Hef head while other girls kiss on him or each other. By the time they get to the house, everyone is rearing and ready to go. All the girls plus the girls they scouted at the club, would return to Hef's room where he would pop some Viagra’s and rubs himself down in baby oil. There’s usually toys laid out that the main GF laid out before they left, or they can go to the bookshelf that all the toy are kept on, which is in the room. The main GF usually gives him head until he gets hard, and other girls will ride him – no condoms, nada. A lot of girls get yeast infections from having sex with Hef because of the baby oil he rubs himself with. He never tells girls to fuck him nor do they have too; some of his GF’s never fucked him. He lets the girls fool around with each other instead, or they can just watch. He encourages girls to be naked but a lot of the girls will instead claim they’re on their period and keep their panties on. So anyhow, after the main GF girls Hef head to get him rock hard, and chicks fuck him, the main GF sucks him some more (after random girls sexed him up without condoms) to get him hard and then Hef gets up and fucks her, and she fucks him. This is the only girl he moves for or puts effort in for.

Letter of Troof: Bridget
The writer of this book really didn’t like Bridget & she admitted that. Bridget is rumored to be married to some guy in Lodi, California. She grew up in a trailer and has always wanted to become a centerfold. Bridget cries all the time because this is the way to get to Hef – crying. He can’t take crying. Bridget would start crying and say someone was being mean to her, and that GF would get in trouble while Bridget would then do a 180 and be happy and all smiles again.

Letter of Troof: Holly
When Holly arrived at the mansion, she moved into the room closest to Hef and made no friends with the girls, she only cared for Hef. At the time, Hef had another main GF. When that main GF peaced out, Holly moved into Hef’s room – not because he asked her, but because no one else cared to be his main bitch. A lot of girls didn’t feel Hef was ready to have a new main GF so soon, and they felt Hef felt the same way but Hef didn’t want to be mean to Holly. The day Holly became main GF, it was war. Holly would bad mouth all the girls to Hef or say how the girls didn’t need the $2000 for outfits for events, therefore reducing the amount to $1000 without telling them first, some girls also would get no money if Holly could convince Hef that they were ungrateful. Holly also hated club nights; the nights use to be 2-3 times a week, now it’s 2-3 times a month. Holly also started turning into Hef in a way; she studied him very thoroughly even before she entered the mansion, one of her ex-BF’s said. She chose psychology major like Hef, she took cartooning classes to learn to draw and learned about old movies that Hef enjoyed – she seemed to want to become Hef. She also tries to have them match; if she wears a red dress, he wears a red tie. She also refuses to sit next to any of the girls; she must be alone on one side of Hef while the other two are on the other side – Bridget then Kendra (Holly and Bridget are close). Holly was an outcast in the house until Bridget came in, then she took Bridget under her wing. Holly also learned what it was that Hef adored about ex girlfriends and applied them to herself – she got her nose done like one of his ex-GF’s (Barbi Benton), dyed and cut her hair in a Marilyn Monroe way & wore 40’s era clothes everywhere until Hef asked her what is she doing? Holly is the ring leader, and wants to marry and have kids with Hef however Hef has said he wants neither of those. She also made up the names, puffin and muffin for them, to show everyone how “perfect” they are or whatever. She also hates it when ex-GF's visit the mansion & hates the decoration of Barbi Benton he has at the mansion -- she was the girl who found the Mansion he purchased that became the Playboy Mansion & the nose hers is modeled after.

Hef’s family
His wife & son live next door to the Playboy mansion, so he can see them as often as possible. However, he on average sees his son about once a week.

It seemed to the author that the girls who were his GF’s had something to make him look good. The author was an excellent student and a lawyer, so she was “the smart” one and now Kendra is the sporty one. When Hef goes out, ANYWHERE, he has his kitchen send lamb chops ahead and a detailed explanation on how to prepare them. He never orders off a menu or anything; he always sends food from the mansion over.

From Seven, to Three
When Holly and Bridget joined the group, it became 7. & their usually was a division of 3 vs. 4. the 3 consisted of Holly, Bridget and someone else (forgot) who were the “innocent good girls” while the other four where cast as “misbehaving bad girls” who were more outspoken and didn’t care to be on Hef’s dick all day long unlike the other three. Eventually, the drama between the two groups defending themselves to Hef was too much for Hef. One night, Bridget claimed one of the girls were mean to her at the club and began crying. Hef was so upset he yelled at the other girl who then yelled back, in the middle of a club, and he then broke up with her. Holly always had to be on one side of Hef, and Bridget on the other. If another girl took Bridget’s spot next to Hef, she would cry & if it happened to Holly, the event or whatever they are at would end. Example; if it happened at the Grammy’s they’d turn around and go home. Anyways, Holly eventually doesn’t want any other girl besides her, for Hef. So the drama in the group of seven got winded down to 2, and then Kendra was added to make 3. Another incident was when the author was getting a new car; she wanted a used escalade, but Holly said no because that’s the car she wants, so she had to settle on a Tahoe. When Holly got her car, it turned out to be a Porche Cheyanne – she only claimed to want the escalade to upset the other girl.

The Mansion
A lot of the girlfriends in the past became intimate with the help, such as the butlers and shit and would get caught and eventually the butler would get fired and the girl would get thrown out. Thus, a new rule was installed that the girlfriends are not allowed to go into the butler’s quarters. The dogs enjoy relieving themselves on the curtains or the carpet. Usually Holly’s dogs go during the night so Hef usually cleans it up from throughout the bedroom when he wakes up. When the author moved in, the carpets and curtains were filthy because the dogs poop and pee everywhere, but before the taping of The Girls Net door, Hef got the hallway floors replaced & curtains. Some of the bedrooms for the girls were originally made for two girls so when there were seven girls, some girls shared rooms. The closest your room was to Hef, the more serious you were about Hef.

Why Girlfriends Can't be Playmates
In the past, when a girlfriend becomes a Playmate, she breaks up with Hef and peaces out. Which means that most the girls never cared for Hef and just wanted to become Playmates. So now, if you're a GF, you ain't a Playmate

I Just Remembered This Crap
For Christmas, Hef would give the girl $500 to spend on each girl and him. Some girls would make agreements to only spend $100 on eachother and save the other $400. Holly found out and snitched, so the girls had to start providing reciepts to get reimbursed. Also, Hef doesn't pick out gifts, Holly or the main GF does. Usually stuff on clearance at the PlayBoy store or random things like soap, ceramic ducks and frogs, a custom tissue box cover or something. Hef gets them a necklace the first Christmas, after that he has no participation in the gift department.
Bridget has had her eyes done, several times, to help her look younger. \
When it's sex time, Hef has porn playing -- usually girl on girl or girl on guy, but the author never saw any of the rumored guy on guy stuff.

Source: me & the book BunnyTales

Thursday, February 22, 2007

also, i'm awesome at art. i had some creative block when i returned from my shitty vacation, but I'M BACK NOW, BABY! pls see attached masterpeices for confirmation. k. thx.


big squid alert! code red...

this is amazing!!!

read the link above to learn more about the things that are slowly migrating south due to polar ice cap melting....

soon, we'll take hudson's bay....then we'll take BERLIIIIINNNNN

Friday, January 26, 2007

i'm back, bitches

i haven't talked about my trip yet to anyone but one coworker/friend, and i've come to the conclusion that it was kind of an awful time.


* i was stung by a scorpion on my ankle. Upon asking if it was poisonous, i hear the response: "We'll see if you wake up tomorrow." Thanks, jackass.

*The only bank in/near town burned down. we had no money. I rented a motorcycle to go to the next town over to get moolah, and my bank card wouldn't work. how the hell am i gonna pay for this motorcycle??? ahhh thank god for the kindness of strangers.

*after having no money for a couple of days, we decide we must bite the bullet... "mooooooooooo-ommmmyyyyyyy i neeeed moneyyyyyy" nothin' like a 30yr old who asks mom for money.

*i went three days without eating at one point.

*realizing that there were indeed sharks, tarantulas, scorpions, alligators, and poisonous snakes in my sheltered little town of santa teresa....realizing this the hard way....

ok. maybe it wasn't an awful time. i'm sure that after a couple of retellings, these stories will become legendary, given my propensity for exaggeration and the
grandiose and epic.

next year, thailand. hookers n' blow. bitches better be there feeding me peeled grapes and fanning me with palm fronds. i deserve it after this trip.

but hey. the smokes and beer were cheap, and i surfed every day. definite highlights.

also, do not travel for an extended amount of time with a significant other....cautionary tales available if you so desire.

also, there were fucking puppies everywhere.....

Friday, December 15, 2006

Wesley Crusher

i typed wesley crusher into google image search and got this.

can't you just picture him saying "yo guy, it's Friday! Can't wait to get my fuck on!"

Saturday, November 18, 2006

things i hate. part 1 of 3333333333333333333333

The Sylvan Learning Center commercials.
these make me believe in myself. you know the kid with the ted koppel haircut (i couldn't find a picture of him) struggles with school, but he REALLY REALLY wants to do well. he finally goes to sylvan, and now, he's able to: read ghost stories to his friends, get 'excellent' on his papers, get a girlfriend, all whilst maintaining his lucious ted koppel locks. OH OH and the one where he puts his 'excellent' paper on a skateboard and rolls it towards his mother. and his mother goes "NOW, I TOLD YOU NO SKATEBOARDING IN THE......" then she sees the test. picks it up. a single tear falls. the child looks on proudly. i'm gonna go punch someone in the neck now.

Monday, November 06, 2006

DEAL! (or no deal?)



so i applied for a game show. Deal or No deal with dorkus malorkus Howie Mandell is filming in Toronto. i apparently made it past round one with my hilarious online application. oh my prowess with a keyboard. i answered three fields with "Boring!!" and apparently the bitches liked that.

they called last night and asked for my picture, and pictures of my five 'supporters' that i would bring, along with phone/email info. if you are contacted, remember to be very PRO JILL. i am not, i repeate NOT the kind of person who swears at small children at a Raptors game (i'll tell you about that unfortunate incident at another time)

anyways, wish me luck.