ZOMGZ!!!!

big squid alert! code red...

this is amazing!!!

read the link above to learn more about the things that are slowly migrating south due to polar ice cap melting....

soon, we'll take hudson's bay....then we'll take BERLIIIIINNNNN

i'm back, bitches

i haven't talked about my trip yet to anyone but one coworker/friend, and i've come to the conclusion that it was kind of an awful time.

LOWLIGHTS:

* i was stung by a scorpion on my ankle. Upon asking if it was poisonous, i hear the response: "We'll see if you wake up tomorrow." Thanks, jackass.

*The only bank in/near town burned down. we had no money. I rented a motorcycle to go to the next town over to get moolah, and my bank card wouldn't work. how the hell am i gonna pay for this motorcycle??? ahhh thank god for the kindness of strangers.

*after having no money for a couple of days, we decide we must bite the bullet... "mooooooooooo-ommmmyyyyyyy i neeeed moneyyyyyy" nothin' like a 30yr old who asks mom for money.

*i went three days without eating at one point.

*realizing that there were indeed sharks, tarantulas, scorpions, alligators, and poisonous snakes in my sheltered little town of santa teresa....realizing this the hard way....

ok. maybe it wasn't an awful time. i'm sure that after a couple of retellings, these stories will become legendary, given my propensity for exaggeration and the grandiose and epic.

next year, thailand. hookers n' blow. bitches better be there feeding me peeled grapes and fanning me with palm fronds. i deserve it after this trip.

but hey. the smokes and beer were cheap, and i surfed every day. definite highlights.

also, do not travel for an extended amount of time with a significant other....cautionary tales available if you so desire.

also, there were fucking puppies everywhere.....

Wesley Crusher

i typed wesley crusher into google image search and got this.

can't you just picture him saying "yo guy, it's Friday! Can't wait to get my fuck on!"

things i hate. part 1 of 3333333333333333333333

The Sylvan Learning Center commercials.
these make me believe in myself. you know the kid with the ted koppel haircut (i couldn't find a picture of him) struggles with school, but he REALLY REALLY wants to do well. he finally goes to sylvan, and now, he's able to: read ghost stories to his friends, get 'excellent' on his papers, get a girlfriend, all whilst maintaining his lucious ted koppel locks. OH OH and the one where he puts his 'excellent' paper on a skateboard and rolls it towards his mother. and his mother goes "NOW, I TOLD YOU NO SKATEBOARDING IN THE......" then she sees the test. picks it up. a single tear falls. the child looks on proudly. i'm gonna go punch someone in the neck now.

DEAL! (or no deal?)

BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES
BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES
BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES

AND ONLY FOR $2.99!

so i applied for a game show. Deal or No deal with dorkus malorkus Howie Mandell is filming in Toronto. i apparently made it past round one with my hilarious online application. oh my prowess with a keyboard. i answered three fields with "Boring!!" and apparently the bitches liked that.

they called last night and asked for my picture, and pictures of my five 'supporters' that i would bring, along with phone/email info. if you are contacted, remember to be very PRO JILL. i am not, i repeate NOT the kind of person who swears at small children at a Raptors game (i'll tell you about that unfortunate incident at another time)

anyways, wish me luck.

KA;L VAWREIO35;JSDFN

i've got 'artistic' block. i've got about 8 jobs to design, and can't think of anything. too bad i didn't get paid to check gossip blogs all day. i'd be able to buy a solid gold house.


this sucks!

this one was unfortunately in color.

i had the most disgusting, yet intriguing dream last night. i don't remember 'em too much, so this is pretty cool.

started out normally, and then people around me, really close to me (i.e., mom, dad, bro, best friends) died. or disappeared, can't remember which. the only person i knew left was this stupid bitch i work with. and she was telling me i was crazy, and that these people never existed. so it turns out, i have some kind of 'brain disease,' or so says the CEO of our company, Dr. Jack. (he has a doctorate in fucking sociology, not brain surgery)

but he knows how to fix it. tells me it ain't gonna be pretty, and sort of cuts my face off, but not entirely off, it still just kind of sits there, on top of my skull. then he starts doing stuff, and all this weird liquid starts coming out of every facial cavity, ears, nose, eyes, mouth, pretty gross. and then, a bunch of worms come shooting out of my mouth, and i'm cured. everyone is alive again, but they were never really dead. i was just crazy.

i think i could expand on this and make a pretty good horror movie.
fuck, i just grossed myself out recapping it.

heeeeee!

i knew i wasn't alone in thinking suri-san cruise-oshi was totally asian.

this is from the gallery of the absurd (link above). only go there when you have a couple of hours of free time, otherwise you'll get fired from your job.

i just puked in my mouth a little

seriously, my boner from hilton in da cuffs is totally gone now. can someone explain these please? they've now seared themselves into my brain, and will probably only resurface when i'm having sex, and that can't be good. i'd rather picture my naked grandfather.

ZOMG!!! HILTON IN DA CUFFS!

hey. um, guys, when you get a boner, how do you get rid of it?


just asking.

Here she is, world!!! Li'l Suri Cruise!!

wait for it....



















wait for it.............















wait..............






















no, but seriously, folks. here she is in all her Asian Elvis glory:

I mean, WTF? why did tom and katie feel the need to kidnap a pregnant chinese lady, drug her, and then steal her baby? what would L. ron say?

a point of contention.

UPDATE YER BLOGZ, BITCHES. I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT.


Yours Truly,
Blorlak

random picturez on my desktop MEGAPOST!!!

ALL PICS, BITCHES.

teeeem red. my personal fav's. don't ask me why. they had heart. they ALMOST WON.


team pink. the team everyone loved to hate. that's all.








teeeem yella. i didn't know any of them, but they were real cool.













team pit stains. er...i mean. team green. we thought they came from behind to take second place, but THEY CHEATED...CHECK THIS NEXT PIC OUT.









yeah. they took a limo. i guess i didn't state that in the rules.






nuff for tnite. bloggin iz hard, yo.

LOST IN BAY STATION. PROGNOSIS: SUCCESS

best weekend ever. more to come, here's just a few pics to get 'er goin'.

START TIME: 2PM SHARP. at that big rock behind bay station subway. 36 people showed up. me and lisa show up, and delegate teams. aaaaaaaaaaaaand GO BITCHEZ!!! everyone finds their clue and their off to....


3pm, DUKE OF GLOUCESTER. amanda and greg are there to man the jukebox, and teams are given lyrics and told to play the song on the jukebox once they figure it out. whilst drinking. a LOT. we gave points for drink receipts, which resulted in an awesome upset at the end. team blue pulls ahead super early, giving yours truly seven ulcers to try to set up the next station.

3:30ish: CHRISTIE PITTS. two very pregnant friends, holly and stacey, man the mini olympics, where apparently the most sexalicious display of jump rope took place. sorry i missed it, dirk.

4:30: CADILLAC LOUNGE! me and lisa watch the teams race in from the bar across the street, probably actually having as much (if not more) fun than the sweat soaked racers. we make our cameo appearance, open up some flaccid chocolate bars (thanks, jerkstores) and make the teams chill out for about an hour before WORLD CUPS! cupstacking, yo....

6:15: TED'S COLLISION, WHERE TEAM RED RED RED RED RED PULLS AHEAD! me and lisa host everyone's favorite "to the bar and back' high low card game. unfortch, sandon crashes and burns, resulting in team blue pulling ahead...again.....

7:00: HIGHWAY TO THE GRANGER ZONE: lisa's house, for a guitar hero showdown.....teams have the option to buy beer for a buck, and get receipts, and then off to the final destination, big surprise, wait for it....

8:00: THE DUKE OF YORK! we sit on the patio, announce winners (team blue wins, team green gets second, on account of SEVENTY EFFING DRINK TICKETS!) and third is team red.

highlights: team pink, yo. those cheatin' sonz o bitches were everyone's favorite team to hate. team green, taking a MOTHERFUCKIN' LIMOSINE TO GRANGE PLACE?!? LOLZ. and seeing my friends drunker than i've ever seen 'em. mission totes accomplished.

Lost in BayStation

trivia's over. orphans inc. won the cup, biztchez. by a HUGE margin. so we went to the strippers afterwards. my team bought me a lap dance, and in the afterglow of a delightful tuesday evening, we all thought the same thing....why aren't we going to the brass rail EVERY tuesday? trivia = overrated.

so me and my buddy have been cooking up a little somethin' somethin' to stave off the trivia hunger pangs...


<------------- i believe this is what i was put on god's green earth for...facilitating beer and games. july 29th, it all comes together, folks. one of the most massive things i've ever undertaken (not...really knowing...uh, how much work it would be...)

this happens soon, i will post pics and witty anecdotes about the day's inevitable debauchery.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!

ZOMGGGGGGGGGGG! d00ders, best overheard conversation ever (i didn't actually hear it, thanks c-rock!)

just hired these two weiner hipsters that are constantly in the state of battling over who is more emo. BARF. i think the girl won....heeeeeeee, she was wearing some shitty shirt that said "pitchfork gave me a 7.3" and the boy hipster says "COOOOOOOOL, MAN, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SHIRT?" and she smugly responds...."i made it..."

LMAOOOOOOOO....below...my rendering of her stellar look. fuckin' kids, yo.

adsfakjsdlfjweopfjlak

it's gettin' hot in here

go france.


meh. i don't even care. soccer sux. but shit, yo, check that action out on the right. i'd hit it.

how come i just found out about this? why didn't anyone tell me??

yeah. soccer kinda sux, i can't believe how racist it makes everyone...what did i read about portuguese people yesterday..."Go cry in your salted cod - it's back to the road paving tomorrow...get some sleep."


yeah....funny shit, but kinda unsettling...why is it okay to say this stuff just cuz world cup is on??

weird.

canada. fuck yeah.

happy canada day. i had a good one. i did exactly what i wanted to...sitting on an amazing patio i have since renamed 'the womb'. (cuz we stayed there for six hours...) drinking double my weight in beer, screwdrivers and mimosas. heh. and keeping it going at a friend's house and quite possibly forgetting my bike there.

unfortunately, in having the most perfect and ideal canada day, i missed a very good friend's bday party...well, not missed, i showed up and stayed for 10 minutes cuz i had no business being around people in my extremely hammered state.

my question is...i feel bad. was i selfish? yes. but i had the best day ever. when should obligations rule over my own good time? i've sat here trying to justify it, and i guess there is no justification. i have friends of both minds. friends who would drop everything they're doing no matter how inconvenient to help someone out. you know, those friends who go to see their friend's shitty band without fail? no matter how crap the music is? then, i have other friends who don't feel such a sense of obligation. they're good people, but you only see them when they feel like it. you always have a good time with them, but you know they don't think about you that much. and it's ok.
i guess neither camp is right, per se, i just think it's a personality thing. my problem is that i'm too much like the latter camp, but with the conscience of the former camp. not a good combination...i'll be selfish but feel real bad about it.

serious blogging is for commies. eff this.