Wesley Crusher

i typed wesley crusher into google image search and got this.

can't you just picture him saying "yo guy, it's Friday! Can't wait to get my fuck on!"

things i hate. part 1 of 3333333333333333333333

The Sylvan Learning Center commercials.
these make me believe in myself. you know the kid with the ted koppel haircut (i couldn't find a picture of him) struggles with school, but he REALLY REALLY wants to do well. he finally goes to sylvan, and now, he's able to: read ghost stories to his friends, get 'excellent' on his papers, get a girlfriend, all whilst maintaining his lucious ted koppel locks. OH OH and the one where he puts his 'excellent' paper on a skateboard and rolls it towards his mother. and his mother goes "NOW, I TOLD YOU NO SKATEBOARDING IN THE......" then she sees the test. picks it up. a single tear falls. the child looks on proudly. i'm gonna go punch someone in the neck now.

DEAL! (or no deal?)

BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES
BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES
BACON CHEDDAR CURLY FRIES

AND ONLY FOR $2.99!

so i applied for a game show. Deal or No deal with dorkus malorkus Howie Mandell is filming in Toronto. i apparently made it past round one with my hilarious online application. oh my prowess with a keyboard. i answered three fields with "Boring!!" and apparently the bitches liked that.

they called last night and asked for my picture, and pictures of my five 'supporters' that i would bring, along with phone/email info. if you are contacted, remember to be very PRO JILL. i am not, i repeate NOT the kind of person who swears at small children at a Raptors game (i'll tell you about that unfortunate incident at another time)

anyways, wish me luck.

KA;L VAWREIO35;JSDFN

i've got 'artistic' block. i've got about 8 jobs to design, and can't think of anything. too bad i didn't get paid to check gossip blogs all day. i'd be able to buy a solid gold house.


this sucks!

this one was unfortunately in color.

i had the most disgusting, yet intriguing dream last night. i don't remember 'em too much, so this is pretty cool.

started out normally, and then people around me, really close to me (i.e., mom, dad, bro, best friends) died. or disappeared, can't remember which. the only person i knew left was this stupid bitch i work with. and she was telling me i was crazy, and that these people never existed. so it turns out, i have some kind of 'brain disease,' or so says the CEO of our company, Dr. Jack. (he has a doctorate in fucking sociology, not brain surgery)

but he knows how to fix it. tells me it ain't gonna be pretty, and sort of cuts my face off, but not entirely off, it still just kind of sits there, on top of my skull. then he starts doing stuff, and all this weird liquid starts coming out of every facial cavity, ears, nose, eyes, mouth, pretty gross. and then, a bunch of worms come shooting out of my mouth, and i'm cured. everyone is alive again, but they were never really dead. i was just crazy.

i think i could expand on this and make a pretty good horror movie.
fuck, i just grossed myself out recapping it.

heeeeee!

i knew i wasn't alone in thinking suri-san cruise-oshi was totally asian.

this is from the gallery of the absurd (link above). only go there when you have a couple of hours of free time, otherwise you'll get fired from your job.

i just puked in my mouth a little

seriously, my boner from hilton in da cuffs is totally gone now. can someone explain these please? they've now seared themselves into my brain, and will probably only resurface when i'm having sex, and that can't be good. i'd rather picture my naked grandfather.

ZOMG!!! HILTON IN DA CUFFS!

hey. um, guys, when you get a boner, how do you get rid of it?


just asking.

Here she is, world!!! Li'l Suri Cruise!!

wait for it....



















wait for it.............















wait..............






















no, but seriously, folks. here she is in all her Asian Elvis glory:

I mean, WTF? why did tom and katie feel the need to kidnap a pregnant chinese lady, drug her, and then steal her baby? what would L. ron say?

a point of contention.

UPDATE YER BLOGZ, BITCHES. I'M NOT HERE FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT.


Yours Truly,
Blorlak

random picturez on my desktop MEGAPOST!!!

ALL PICS, BITCHES.

teeeem red. my personal fav's. don't ask me why. they had heart. they ALMOST WON.


team pink. the team everyone loved to hate. that's all.








teeeem yella. i didn't know any of them, but they were real cool.













team pit stains. er...i mean. team green. we thought they came from behind to take second place, but THEY CHEATED...CHECK THIS NEXT PIC OUT.









yeah. they took a limo. i guess i didn't state that in the rules.






nuff for tnite. bloggin iz hard, yo.

LOST IN BAY STATION. PROGNOSIS: SUCCESS

best weekend ever. more to come, here's just a few pics to get 'er goin'.

START TIME: 2PM SHARP. at that big rock behind bay station subway. 36 people showed up. me and lisa show up, and delegate teams. aaaaaaaaaaaaand GO BITCHEZ!!! everyone finds their clue and their off to....


3pm, DUKE OF GLOUCESTER. amanda and greg are there to man the jukebox, and teams are given lyrics and told to play the song on the jukebox once they figure it out. whilst drinking. a LOT. we gave points for drink receipts, which resulted in an awesome upset at the end. team blue pulls ahead super early, giving yours truly seven ulcers to try to set up the next station.

3:30ish: CHRISTIE PITTS. two very pregnant friends, holly and stacey, man the mini olympics, where apparently the most sexalicious display of jump rope took place. sorry i missed it, dirk.

4:30: CADILLAC LOUNGE! me and lisa watch the teams race in from the bar across the street, probably actually having as much (if not more) fun than the sweat soaked racers. we make our cameo appearance, open up some flaccid chocolate bars (thanks, jerkstores) and make the teams chill out for about an hour before WORLD CUPS! cupstacking, yo....

6:15: TED'S COLLISION, WHERE TEAM RED RED RED RED RED PULLS AHEAD! me and lisa host everyone's favorite "to the bar and back' high low card game. unfortch, sandon crashes and burns, resulting in team blue pulling ahead...again.....

7:00: HIGHWAY TO THE GRANGER ZONE: lisa's house, for a guitar hero showdown.....teams have the option to buy beer for a buck, and get receipts, and then off to the final destination, big surprise, wait for it....

8:00: THE DUKE OF YORK! we sit on the patio, announce winners (team blue wins, team green gets second, on account of SEVENTY EFFING DRINK TICKETS!) and third is team red.

highlights: team pink, yo. those cheatin' sonz o bitches were everyone's favorite team to hate. team green, taking a MOTHERFUCKIN' LIMOSINE TO GRANGE PLACE?!? LOLZ. and seeing my friends drunker than i've ever seen 'em. mission totes accomplished.

Lost in BayStation

trivia's over. orphans inc. won the cup, biztchez. by a HUGE margin. so we went to the strippers afterwards. my team bought me a lap dance, and in the afterglow of a delightful tuesday evening, we all thought the same thing....why aren't we going to the brass rail EVERY tuesday? trivia = overrated.

so me and my buddy have been cooking up a little somethin' somethin' to stave off the trivia hunger pangs...


<------------- i believe this is what i was put on god's green earth for...facilitating beer and games. july 29th, it all comes together, folks. one of the most massive things i've ever undertaken (not...really knowing...uh, how much work it would be...)

this happens soon, i will post pics and witty anecdotes about the day's inevitable debauchery.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!

ZOMGGGGGGGGGGG! d00ders, best overheard conversation ever (i didn't actually hear it, thanks c-rock!)

just hired these two weiner hipsters that are constantly in the state of battling over who is more emo. BARF. i think the girl won....heeeeeeee, she was wearing some shitty shirt that said "pitchfork gave me a 7.3" and the boy hipster says "COOOOOOOOL, MAN, WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SHIRT?" and she smugly responds...."i made it..."

LMAOOOOOOOO....below...my rendering of her stellar look. fuckin' kids, yo.

adsfakjsdlfjweopfjlak

it's gettin' hot in here

go france.


meh. i don't even care. soccer sux. but shit, yo, check that action out on the right. i'd hit it.

how come i just found out about this? why didn't anyone tell me??

yeah. soccer kinda sux, i can't believe how racist it makes everyone...what did i read about portuguese people yesterday..."Go cry in your salted cod - it's back to the road paving tomorrow...get some sleep."


yeah....funny shit, but kinda unsettling...why is it okay to say this stuff just cuz world cup is on??

weird.

canada. fuck yeah.

happy canada day. i had a good one. i did exactly what i wanted to...sitting on an amazing patio i have since renamed 'the womb'. (cuz we stayed there for six hours...) drinking double my weight in beer, screwdrivers and mimosas. heh. and keeping it going at a friend's house and quite possibly forgetting my bike there.

unfortunately, in having the most perfect and ideal canada day, i missed a very good friend's bday party...well, not missed, i showed up and stayed for 10 minutes cuz i had no business being around people in my extremely hammered state.

my question is...i feel bad. was i selfish? yes. but i had the best day ever. when should obligations rule over my own good time? i've sat here trying to justify it, and i guess there is no justification. i have friends of both minds. friends who would drop everything they're doing no matter how inconvenient to help someone out. you know, those friends who go to see their friend's shitty band without fail? no matter how crap the music is? then, i have other friends who don't feel such a sense of obligation. they're good people, but you only see them when they feel like it. you always have a good time with them, but you know they don't think about you that much. and it's ok.
i guess neither camp is right, per se, i just think it's a personality thing. my problem is that i'm too much like the latter camp, but with the conscience of the former camp. not a good combination...i'll be selfish but feel real bad about it.

serious blogging is for commies. eff this.

blorlak down! blorlak down!

once again, i flew too close to the sun. i threw my back out. err, my neck (?) but it's now extended down my spine. this happened last year, and it ended up being west nile (LOL!!) now i know you must have questions..i'll do my best...



Q: WTF?! you had west nile? why didn't *i* know about it?


A: good question, rummy. only 4 or 5 people knew about it. plus, how do you work the 'nile' into ordinary conversation? "hey jill, can you pass the ketch..." "YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD, I HAVE WEST NILE, Y'KNOW!!!"


Q: hmm...i'm skeptical. you seemed fine all summer, you never broke your drinking stride as far as i saw....?


A: Correct you are! i "push through"...i am seriously under the impression that drinking has cured what ails me faster than succumbing and staying home...(it probs causes it too. LOLZ)


Q: Hey, wait a minute...isn't west nile touted by Health Canada as a killer? what makes you so herculean?


A: Health Canada (and the WHO, as far as i'm concerned) are fear mongerers who are trying to scare people into hiding indoors and slathering themselves with antibacterial lotion all day. The people who get sick from these things are either really old/young, or have pre-existing health problems. i.e. SAAAAAAAARS. i got mildly ill and a sore back. the effing spinal tap was the worst thing...


Q: ok that eplains a lot....hey wait...is west nile contagious?????


A: um....uh...


Q: but you hung out with all of us, and took drinks from our beerz! OMFG...


A: This interview is over. no further questions.

vive le quebec libre!!

so i was in montreal this weekend. i was supposed to go to this party on saturday night, but the dude who was throwing it was bleeding from his mouth. for, like, two hours. so he went to emergency, cuz after awhile, he couldn't stand up on his own. so my buzz is totally gone at this point (wouldn't yours be?) so me and my cousin go to a terrace in old montreal. after two hours of drinking, and failing to roofie any 17 yr old french boys, we decide to call it a (weird) night.

we ask the waiter how to get out, since they've blocked off the door we came in. he points to three doors. for some reason, we use...the fourth door he didn't point to....

....fast forward to me and the cuz ending up at a hard-core seperatist party. a quebec-nationalist band was playing fast and furiously in front of the largest fleur-de-lis flag i've seen. the crowd was wild. it was a private party, the bouncer wasn't letting anyone from the street in. there was no windows. me and cuz look at eachother and at the same time, realize THIS IS *AWESOME*. determined to fit in, we order drinks in (bad) french, and start dancing along to the music.

we get even drunker.

the cuz goes to the bathroom. i am left alone to ponder my sovereignty. when the singer dude says in english...'word on the street is that we have someone from toronto here tonight....' people looked at me, and said some french slang that i didn't understand. and then the band broke into song again, and it was a song about how much dick toronto sucks.

the cuz comes out of the bathroom and your gentle narrator suggests its time to book it the hell out of there.

man, being a seperatist must be cool...it looks like it's the new trendy thing in quebec. i'd be all over that shit...except for the absolute and total exclusion of anyone who's not white and priveleged.

you're a fruit salad head

LOL LOL LOL

Alec Baldwin called his stylist a 'whack-job' and a 'fruit salad head' on the set of 'A Girl's Guide to Hunting and Fishing.'

in other news, I WILL HENCEFORTH BE USING 'FRUIT SALAD HEAD' TO DESCRIBE ALMOST EVERYONE BECAUSE IT IS POSSIBLY THE BEST INSULT I'VE EVER HEARD.

best saturday ever.

you remember when you were a kid, and you slept in til 11 on saturday mornings, got up and microwaved a pound of bacon, and layered it on top of your count chocula, then watched five hours straight of saturday morning cartoons? followed by a vigorous nintendo (or atari?) session...

i remember it. i also remember thinking 'oh man, when i move out on my own, I'M TOTALLY DOING THIS ALL THE TIME!!'

until last saturday, i hadn't kept the dream alive. i ignored and supressed my inner child, who so desperately wanted to show her grease-stained face the light of day.

i woke up saturday morning, sick, and so blessedly happy to see it raining like a son'bitch. i went out and bought a big bag of doritos, sat in my underwear and played nintendo for seven hours straight. even when i got chip crumbs on me, i didn't brush them off. that's what i got a cat for, yo.

so far...

CANADA'S NEXT TOP MODEL SUCKS THE BAG. this show had so much potential. yet, they chose a bunch of stupid sluts, and seems to be on a smaller budget than 'the littlest hobo'. ha ha. okay. i'll give it another week, then i'm gonna karate kick my television in the neck.

man, this show is awkward and boring. like canada.

i just heard one whore say same something radical, though
"i'm bigger than newmarket..."
LOLZ. nice

THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!

so i was real late for trivia tonight. my (second) fav episode of star trek: tng was on. THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!! you know, the one where the cardacians (sp?) kidnap and torture picard. it got me thinking that this is one of the best tv shows of all time. but only under SIRTain SIRcumstances hahah i am so funny.
the show must be centered on the stories of the following three awesomology characters:

CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD: who cares that he has a french name and an english accent?? this dude is the shiz, yo. apart from being the sexiest bald dude ever, every episode that focuses on him (which are few and far between) is totes awes. he has to endure the most crazy shit: becoming a borg (loceutis...sp?) having to deal with q, who is strangely fascinated with him (understandably), and any plot that has him reliving his lost youth/loves. mmmm...loves a man in uniform, yo.



Q. just...Q.

awesome awesome awesome. every single show with this omnipitent slut in it is epic and holy shit television. i don't really need to say much more, than this bitch can stop time, turn beverly crusher into a barking dog, and randomly cause the end of time as we know it. HOTTTT.






AAAAAAAAAAAAND, bringing up the rear is lieutenant barkley. also awesomeness. does anyone know that this is murdoch from a-team? he's pretty much (aside from the preceding two) the best actor on this show. and he made it sooo much better. he was brought in when they started producing crazy big-budget cliffhanger episodes...you know, the two-parters that they really couldn't afford and caused the eventual demise of roddenbury himself. yeah i made that up. barkley ruled and every episode he was in rawked so much.




every other character pretty much sucks, and i consider a supporting cast. gawd, data we know you wanna be human boring slut. and i hate those motherfucking holideck episodes where they go back to "our time" and solve sherlock holmes episodes. and rykker...don't even get me started.

i'm out. i found it important to justify why i was late for trivia (we won by the way...four weeks in a row....)

PBF FOREVER

go to this website. lolz rotflcopter


wazoooo

something you didn't know, but really should...

011100110110000101101110011001000111011101101000011010010110001101101000 is 'SANDWICH' in binary.

i'll leave you with that, rummies.

i
flew
too
close
to
the
sun.




yet again, i had a better weekend than you. but i found out someone had been ripping off my A-material yet again......WTF?!?
i think everyone should have a few stories up their sleeves to wow everyone with. of course they have to be true, but you should hone them and become a fucking master of your story...adding suspense and intrigue at the right times with your voice intonations and by perfecting your impersonations of others who appear in your story. i have two of these. (probably more, but two rather excellent ones.)

i'll tell you one now.

when i was 16, i did acid for the first (and only) time in my life. i thought it'd be a radical idea to do it during our school trip to see "joseph and the technicolor raincoat". i am so fucking ridiculously smart, eh? anyways, long story short (i ain't none too good at telling my awesome story on the interweb...) i had an aisle seat. and at one point during the play, a bunch of children are supposed to run down the middle of the aisle and up onto the stage.

yeah. i ran with them. i thought i was supposed to. i end up on stage, with some strange looks from the regular cast, and realized something was horribly, horribly wrong. so i hid behind a curtain whilst my acid was peaking..for the rest of the play.

YEAH, bloody good story, right? my friend *S* says to me last week, "OMG LOLZ, DID YOU HEAR WHAT HAPPENED TO *C* WHEN SHE WAS 16?????"

rage. BLORLAK SMASHHHH. get yer own damn stories, potsy.

totes zods

so remember superman II? with the three zods? they're totally zodding it up on smallville right now, and SOOO much better than uh, general...zod ? could have ever done.

this zod is a terminator 3 metal god zod that has knives for hands n' shit. sweet. all you naysayers ... you know who you are...the people that fail to call me back after i tell you i'm watching smallville? the people who laugh uncomfortably and way "uh, i gotta go over there" and then stand approximately seven feet away from me poste haste??? i'll show you. I'LL SHOW EVERYONE. this series is the best. ever.

it's funny. i think the reason i like it so much is because i could write the whole damn thing. with ease. i know what's coming up in the plot.

leads me to believe. i like what's easy.

edited to add: no more drunk blogging. i guess this is a lesson all you pros learned awhile ago, eh?

zinc lozenges

<---------- this made my day. i found this scrawled on a library book. can you not picture the bored, frustrated hoser who's been trying to perfect his rendition of the metallica logo? awesomeology. rock on brother. you're THIIIS close! i'm hiding right now. i'm pretending i'm on a serious call. there's a baby in the office. you know that seinfeld episode 'YOU GOTTA SEE THE BAAAAAABYYYY..' we got an office like that. i got called 'wretched' by the boss's wife because of my less than maternal instinct towards children. i will eat your children for that. oh wait...

oh, and the happy birthday thing the day of awkward small talk and cake eating and the boss asking 'what's the most important thing you've learned in your last year of life?' well, boss, i'd have to say i've learned that it's important to crush the roofies thouroughly before slipping them into drinks. that, or just use chloroform the old fashion way. a girl's got NEEDS, yo.

they want to organize a company summer outing. it will probably be something involving the wearing of shorts. shudder. my colleague (ha!) suggested paintball and i think that is rad. i think we should do it in regent park whilst drinking jack daniels from paper bags. whilst yelling racial slurs. may the best man win.

lates

somewhere north of awesome.

i had a better weekend than you.
a 9 out of 10.

more later. head hurts.